After numerous happy times you suddenly find yourself not happy in your relationship. You are now unhappy with your marriage and thoughts of brokenness fill your mind. Is your unhappiness due to a current unresolved relational conflict or in what appears to be an ongoing struggle? When you say that you are not happy in marriage, what do you feel would change that? Do you think your husband or wife could make you happy by doing the things you want or by doing things your way?
IF YOU ARE A WOMAN OR A MAN IN A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE URGED TO SEEK HELP. (Domestic violence arrests are nearly 50% for both genders)
Here is a really big question, did you have sex before marriage? People associate sex with love, (with the sex being first), when the sex is first, it’s not love, it’s lust. Did you build the beginnings of your relationship on the premise of lust? That is one big reason why you may not be happy in your marriage, you may have missed the building of friendship and the bonding in companionship. Millions have fallen into this trap and have paid the price, that is why God tells us to wait until we are married.
Sometimes people go around focusing on their unhappy marriage in a manner that says it’s 100 percent the other guy’s fault. Think of the word partnership for a moment, usually partnership requires more than one entity right? In simple terms, it takes two halves to make one whole. In that one whole, you are half. That means that you are at least halfway responsible for the happiness within your marriage or relationship. In another way of putting it, have you really been doing your part, out of love, to meet your partners needs? Are you trying to meet them half way or are you entirely consumed by what your partner is not doing for you? Be honest with yourself, your relationship depends on it, could you be loving more?
Let’s say that you are doing your part and have been making significant efforts to love in your relationship, but the other side is not reciprocating, (usually do to selfishness), what can you do to make your marriage a happy one again? Notice that the question refers to you, not to your partner, the resolutions can start right now with your choices and actions. Love choice number one is to pray for your partner and your relationship, preferably together. Don’t let your pride get in the way of a happy relationship, ask God to help you both to reconcile the issues between you and to bring love to the foremost of your relationship. Caution! When praying for your partner, do not pray to God to change your partner, pray for things such as grace, hope, wisdom, insight, direction, mercy, humility, and increased love. Pray for things with love being at the center of your prayer for them. Pray for yourself, ask God to reveal to you were you may have errored and where you can improve and then with humility listen for the answer.
Perhaps you both could use some sharing lessons within your relationship, how about if you make an effort to initiate this kind of reciprocal activity between you? In this exercise you would both be learning to compromise, to give, and to receive at the same time. Think of your partner and what they would like from you, then think of something that you would like from them and offer to make a trade, without using trade language. Start with simple things just to get the wheels turning. As an example, let’s say you are a woman who enjoys chinese food and your husband would prefer a steak. You offer to take him out for his favorite steak meal and in return he would follow by taking you out for chinese at your favorite restaurant. After that you might suggest that he come up with an idea where he chooses something he likes and then offers to make a deal with you for something you like. You should be able to work out some simplistic ideas between you. Now while you are doing each others preference, remember that you are sacrificing out of love for your partner, enjoy the time you are having together without focusing on problematic issues.
Seek to put importance on your partnership, raise the value of the relationship itself in your mind , it’s more important than things, than money, than bills, than the house, than those new clothes you want, or that new car your lusting after. Those things are never going to bring you fulfillment, temporary pleasure only leads to long term pain. Your partner is more than a thing, think about that and then decide to appreciate their positive aspects, and love them in those few areas that you find so negative. If you quit centering on the 10 percent of the stuff that you don’t like, you can more easily enjoy the 90 percent that you do like. Besides, even if you traded them in, (like a car), for someone else, you would still end up going through the same difficulties with someone else. The problems in your partnership are endeavoring to teach you both how to love! You might as well stick to your vows, (remember those?), get a cup of perseverance, add in a couple of tablespoons of hope, and pour in a little humility.
Humility will help you to overcome your relational turbulence. The words you have been saying about the other person, and the finger that you have been pointing outwardly toward them stop. Within a partnership your finger now points at you for resolution, stop complaining, stop whining, stop moaning about how unhappy you are in your marriage and start doing something about it. That begins with you, love is a choice, love is an action, love is extended outwardly towards others, not inwardly to oneself. Happiness is a choice, nobody forces you to be unhappy, you can choose to make adjustments, to be humble, to grow up, to forgive, and to initiate an environment for a happy marriage right now. It’s your marriage, it’s your partnership, and it’s your choice.