Many people have unresolved previous problems, that are reliving themselves in their current relationships, that are causing themselves, and their spouses, unnecessary conflict. People look to get their problems resolved from the outside, while turmoiling on the inside. They don’t want to accept and face their own inner issues that bring discord into their own lives, and so they often dump it on others, or look to blame their own problems on others. This method of delusion is unhealthy for it’s unaccountable owner, and to the overall health of their relationships.
It is a fact that hurt people hurt other people. It is also a fact that everyone has some internal stuff, of some degree, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. Can you think of a time when you feel that someone caused you a hurt? Be honest with yourself, right at this moment, you did think of someone that is associated to a pain that you have been carrying around right? See, everybody has some emotional stuff at some level. It is our own emotional residue that hinders us and brings dysfunction into our relationships. Don’t worry, you are not alone, everybody has done this, whether they realized it at the time or not. Or, whether they want to admit it right now or not. The single biggest key to resolving our problems is admission. Of course we can continue lying to ourselves, which will only prolong our own inner pain bondage, and continue to bring discord into our marriages and other relationships. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin. (Proverbs 26:28)
You can’t change others, people won’t change until their pain exceeds their fear of change. In the mean time they carry old wounds, previous shames, past guilts, doubts, frustrations, fears, tensions, rivalries, illusionments, inconsistencies, and other individual deficiencies as relational obstacles and personal constraints. Some take out their wounds on others like volcanoes that vomit up molten lava without warning. They puke up their unresolved inner conflicts out on others as if those people were nuclear waste facilities. Now, many people do not want to admit that they are not perfect, so they deny their imperfections, and continue to hurt the very same people they say they love. Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man, [or woman], who lacks self control. (Proverbs 25:28). Before you can be honest with others, you must first be honest with yourself and with God.
What a predicament it must be to say you love someone, and then turn around and dump your nuclear toxins all over them. (This would say that your personal pride is greater than your love for others). Folks, your actions dictate your love, saying I love you is worthless if you turn around and clobber your spouse, a friend, or some unsuspecting passerby with your own unfinished business. Think about this, you are hurting someone by doing that, (which means you are sinning), and you are also crucifying Jesus again, (and He already died for your sins). A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. (Proverbs 14:30).
Clearly it is one thing to fight someone else over an issue, but it is a greater problem to war within oneself and then spew it all over your neighbors. Yes, I realize this may be a bit graphic, but if it helps anyone to see the source of their own inner stress, and they gain realization, then it has brought resolving power to the place of pain, (the healing will only arrive at the source of the pain). For many this means that they must become accountable for themselves, and assume ownership of their inner hurts. They need to realize that the emotional pains that they burried alive, are still alive within them. This is the point where they can be freed of their own victimhood, resolving this requires self honesty. Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. (Proverbs 14:10)
Remember from the last article the Autoloading Negative Thoughts, ANTS? Those thoughts often come from the deep places within, in the places below your conscious level of awareness. They come from those places within where you may have previously felt that you were rejected, wronged, abandoned, belittled, short changed, or perhaps even meant to feel shameful about something you did not even do. But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. (Psalm 39:2). When you become aware of the wounds in your spirit, you will become aware where others are in their journey as well. You do not have to be stuck in that place any longer, you can release those old memories and unforgiven hurts to God. Resolving relationship problems often begins with releasing old hurts by way of forgiveness.
He who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13).